Lost And Found

I lost my keys. Again.  Nothing new there, it happens just about every day.  The thing that made this time all the more frustrating was that yesterday, I saw my keys on my desk where they didn't belong so I dutifully picked them up with the intention of putting them in my purse.  I headed upstairs to my room but somewhere along the way I got distracted. I have no idea what distracted me.  The distance from my desk to my room is not far, less than 25 seconds at a leisurely pace.  It took less than 25 seconds for me to completely forget about my keys.
This morning, I needed my keys.  I was sure they were in my purse since the last thing I remembered was taking them upstairs but they weren't there. They HAD to be there, I just put them there yesterday! 
I emptied my purse.  No luck.
I retraced my steps trying to remember the last thing I did with them.  Again, no luck.
I looked in the craft room, the bathroom, my bedroom, on my desk. Nothing.
At this point I felt the all too familiar anger rising and the accusatory inner voices shouting: 
"How could I be so stupid?" 
"Really??? Really, is it THAT hard to complete the simple task of putting my keys away?" 
"Why didn't I just leave them on my desk?"
"WHY do I have to go through this PRACTICALLY EVERY DAY???"
I was on the verge of completely melting down but I managed to regain a shred of self control.  Getting angry wasn't going to solve anything.  So I tried retracing my steps one more time. When I got to my room, I looked down at the pile of clothes on the floor. What was I wearing yesterday?  My blue jeans.  Could I have put them in my pocket? Possibly. I checked. They were there. Disaster averted. 
This is life with ADHD. Sometimes it gets really tiring.

Hyperfocus

I've been thinking about writing a post about focus for about a month now and finally decided today is the day (thanks Jeanne!). A common misconception about people with ADHD is that they are completely unable to maintain focus. That's simply not true. If you can capture our attention we can focus longer and more intently than a neuro-typical person. We can focus to the point where nothing else in the world exists. Not food, not sleep, not time, nothing but the thing that has our attention. It's often referred to as hyperfocus and it is glorious (unless you starve to death, then it kind of sucks).  When I'm in a state of hyperfocus, it's like all the doors in my mind have unlocked and I am free to learn and explore.  Hyperfocus is a very fragile state, however, and if I'm interrupted it is practically impossible to dive back in where I left off.

This excerpt from my journal explains it best:

My thoughts are a spun glass palace.  The connections fragile, but beautiful, each corridor flowing naturally into the next.  The towers rise in in harmony to the heavens, music emanates from each one as wind gently blows through open windows.  Each room within the palace has its purpose, one simple, the next magnificent.  All are interconnected with elegant crystal pathways.  I lose myself in its creation.

Suddenly a boulder crashes through.  My beautiful palace begins to shatter.  I desperately try to make repairs, but a second boulder crashes in.  The boulders continue to wreak destruction.  Shards of glass rain down around my head and shoulders and lie broken, unrecognizable, and irreparable beneath my feet. 

I sweep up the shards and return them to the furnace to begin again, desperately trying to recreate the beauty that once was, but the vision, once so clear, refuses to be resurrected. It has been supplanted by cold lifeless boulders.

That is what it's like and it's also why those of us with ADHD are often so easily irritated when we are interrupted.

With ADHD It's All or Nothing

My life is a series of:

• Wanting to do it all.
• Succeeding at one or two things.
• Convincing myself that since I succeeded , I CAN do it all.
• Attempting to do it all.
• Being overwhelmed by it all.
• Giving up on it all.
• Getting bored from not doing it all.
• Looking for something interesting.
• Finding everything interesting.
• Wanting to do it all...

Right now, I'm in the "Succeeding at one or two things," phase and working on staying there as long as I can, but there are so many things I want to do!

Scatter Cleaning

That's what I call my method of cleaning house.  It refers to my tendency to start cleaning in one room then get distracted by something in another room so that I wander around the house cleaning all day without finishing a single room. I usually end days like that exhausted and feeling defeated because I didn't finish anything. Well, last Saturday I decided that I'd be happy with what I DID accomplish rather than frustrated by my inability to focus on one single task. Sure, my room still has some clutter and it didn't get vacuumed, but I DID change the sheets and make the bed. The laundry isn't all done, but I DID wash, fold and put away 4 loads. The bathroom isn't spotless, but I DID clean off the counters and change out the towels. I could go on. I was busy all day and didn't complete any one room but I did get a lot done. Given that boost of confidence, I accomplished even more on Sunday - I still didn't finish any room but the house looks better. Sure, it's not
the way most people clean house, but I'm not MOST people! I think I may be on to something if I can keep this up.

What Was I Thinking?

Start a blog about ADHD?  What was I thinking anyway?  It's just another opportunity to fail.  And so I did.  Like so many things, I started out with great intentions along with goals to post every week, if not more. I was going to show my ADHD who is boss! I had it all figured out.
Then, I missed a post.  I'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow became next week and then next month and I felt guilty and defeated.  It became just another confirmation that I'm a failure.  So I gave up.  Then things got dark.  Really, really dark.  I went into therapy.  I took anti-depressants, which just made me worse because I needed to FEEL my feelings, not deaden them. I got off of the anti-depressants, continued therapy and learned how to face my feelings. 
Now that I've finally climbed out of that pit, I'm learning what my new "normal" is. Sometimes it's a little scary because, while depression was awful, it was what I was familiar with and change is hard, even when it's change for the better.
So, here I go again, starting something I might not be able to finish, but at least I'm starting and that's something.